Wednesday, July 7, 2010

So Today, I Met Uncle Psycho

Let me introduce you to Uncle Psycho the same way I was.
Me: "Hi Aunt Diane." 

Aunt Diane: "Hey Leilani - this is your Uncle Psycho.  This is Leilani." 

Uncle Psycho: "I didn't know Heather had THREE kids.  Oh wait, she's the one thats been sick?" 

Aunt Diane: (nods) "Pukin' all over the place"

Me: (blushes slightly)

Uncle Psycho: "Oh, stay away!" (while making his pointer fingers into a cross.)

The throwing up thing was sadly true - in 24 hours, I had ingested exactly one pancake and about two bottles of water.  The time I wasn't spending eating, I was throwing up and eventually passing out in a dehydration-fueled slumber on my little brother's floor (his room has A/C, due to his superior ability to read instruction manuals.)

Now, about Uncle Psycho.  He's a white-haired, front-toothless, genial, truck driver who also happens to be my Aunt's new boyfriend.  Today was the first time we'd ever met, him reaching across the table (and between his bottle of Sunny D and it's matching bottle of Vodka) to shake my hand jovially. I'm not completely sure where the handle "Uncle Psycho," comes from, but he was quickly introduced to our neighbor, my younger sister, and my best friend under that same alias (his real name I believe is Walt).

I don't think he's psychotic at all - as a matter of fact, he was one of the most rare and wonderful kind of people you can ever hope to meet.  He was, in a word, Genuine.  Yes, with a capital G.  He never acted as though he knew more than he knows, but he knew more than most people know he knows.  Does that make sense?  I hope so.  Conversation included everything from exchanging jokes to the latest discoveries about Neanderthals.  We discussed accents and the Baby Boomers' impact on America.  One of his favorite topics, though, was my speech - he himself has a heavy accent and declared my speech "Eloquent and elegant."  I think my mom was pleased with that, having homeschooled me from 1st grade on  - look, ma no accent!

To be honest, Uncle Psycho's praise of my speaking habits mostly just made me feel kinda bad about my one big vice - swearing.  There is nothing elegant about it, I admit.  And to have to use rude words to describe something is hardly the mark of an eloquent orator. I don't swear at work, at church, near children or the elderly, or at a teacher. . . but swearing anywhere and anytime at all is really rather low-brow behavior.

Look ma, I'll work on it.

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